Honestly, the majority of us complain about work because it’s work. But there are certain co-workers who repeatedly grouse while making no effort to address and resolve issues. If you work with a chronic complainer, you may feel like you are held hostage and suffocated by their negativity.

You can prevent this. But first, let’s clarify the difference between venting, complaining, and chronic complaining.

Recognizing a Chronic Complainer

Venting is voicing concerns and frustrations in the moment. Venting is getting something off your chest one time. It is releasing negative energy by verbalizing negative thoughts in order to avoid completely losing your cool so you can move forward. The act of venting is like partially lifting the tab on a shaken pop can to bleed off pressure and prevent a messy explosion.

Complaining, on the other hand, is expressing actual dissatisfaction, annoyance, or dislike of a situation. A chronic complainer repeatedly voices the same complaints but is unwilling to share their concerns with the people who can solve the problems. Often, complainers see other people at fault and claim no power to influence change.

Moving Past the Complaint

If you regularly interact with someone who fits the description of a chronic complainer, try this four-step process for responding.

1. Acknowledge your co-worker’s concern. While remaining neutral, assure you co-worker that you heard their complaint. Do not argue or disagree, just acknowledge your co-worker’s point. This is an important step because it is hard for someone to receive suggestions or to see their situation differently until they believe their concerns is being treated seriously.

An acknowledgement could sound like, “It sounds like you have a concern regarding …” Whatever you say, keep it brief and to the point while succinctly and calmly describing the situation without getting lost in the details. Your complaining co-worker may have difficulty identifying their core issue without getting absorbed in extraneous information or playing the blame game.

2. Communicate what you want and don’t want for this person. Next, share what you want for the person making the complaint. Communicate that you do not want them stuck because you understand that their frustration and anger will increase if the issue remains unaddressed.

3. Ask if they are open to suggestions. Before investing more time, ask your co-worker if they are open to hearing a few suggestions for how they can address their concern. Let the complainer’s response to this question guide your next response.

4. Offer suggestions or gracefully end the conversation. If your co-worker is open to suggestions, suggest approaching a manager with a conversation starter such as, “I have something I’d like to discuss with you that I believe will help us work together more effectively. Do you have a few minutes to chat right now?” If your co-worker is not open to suggestions, give yourself permission to end the conversation. This could sound like, “I hate to see you stuck, but I don’t have anything else to offer, and I need to get back to my work.”

Invite and Release

Taking the four steps outlined above will protect your time and preserve your mental and emotional well-being while also promoting a positive workplace culture. Occasionally expressing frustration and anger can bring temporary satisfaction for anyone. Getting stuck with a co-worker who is locked in a cycle of chronic complaining is unhealthy for everyone.

The solution is to invite a chronic complainer to voice concerns in a manner that supports positive change and fosters a healthy workplace culture. While your invitation may be declined, you have offered support to a colleague, escaped becoming a hostage to their negativity, and released yourself from aiding and abetting a co-worker in prolonging a problem.

To learn more, check out my session Creating a Culture of Accountability, Not Blame at the ATD 2023 International Conference & EXPO May 21–24 at the San Diego Convention Center in San Diego, California.