When an employee has a lot going on personally, it often shows up at work. These past few years have been tough on everyone, but it can be difficult to extend grace to employees while also wanting them to meet their job duties and performance measures. How can we both give sympathy AND maintain clear professional boundaries?

The problem is difficult—we’re leading people, not robots. Despite one’s best attempts to suppress personal challenges and stress, there will be times when whatever is going on outside of work begins to affect the employee’s work and performance.

So, what can you do when you find that your offer to be sympathetic opened a floodgate of emotional baggage? Here are a few ideas:

1. Never pick up someone’s victim card

The moment you metaphorically pick up someone’s victim card, you assume some level of responsibility for their victimhood. You have acknowledged that what they have experienced or are currently enduring is too hard for them to handle and they are indeed the victim. Then you are responsible to solve their problem or perpetually acknowledge and accept their shortcomings as a victim. It’s an unproductive and exhausting role, and it will only lead to resentment.

Instead of picking up their victim card, acknowledge it and then give it right back to them—with the added expectation and encouragement that they rise above their challenge. Here’s an example:

Lately, I notice that Carolyn has withdrawn from the team and her work is suffering. I reach out to ask how she’s doing. Carolyn unloads about how recent events at work have triggered some past emotions and it’s affecting her relationships and work. Instead of picking up her victim card, say something like, “Wow, thank you for sharing that with me. That sounds really hard, and I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced those things. But I also know that you have risen above those challenges in the past, and I want to know what you need to be able to do that again.”

Encourage Carolyn to see herself as more than a victim and to find solutions to her performance issues.

2. Create boundaries by clarifying your intent

When you feel that your employee is sharing too much or taking advantage of your empathy, you can respectfully set a boundary by clarifying what you don’t intend followed by what you do intend.

It might sound something like this: “Thank you for sharing that with me. That sounds really challenging, and I can see why it could affect your work. I’d like to discuss how I can help you navigate these challenges while also getting your work done. I don’t want to come across as uncaring, but if I don’t spend much time talking about your challenges, it’s because I want to keep the conversation focused on what we can do here to help you return to the level of great work that I know you can deliver.”

3. Escalate to HR

This final tip is most applicable when the employee’s challenges are health related. If an employee’s health challenges are taking a toll on them or the team, there are FMLA laws that allow them to take a medical leave of absence to deal with their challenges and return to work healthy.

Balancing my role as a friend and confidant with that of a manager is difficult. Personally, I find that when I have a friendship with the people I manage, the work flows smoothly and quickly, communication is natural and productive, there is mutual trust, and it simply makes work more enjoyable and fun. Who doesn’t want to work alongside their friends?

But there is nothing more draining than an employee who, if given an inch, will take a mile. When you find yourself in this predicament, resist the urge to pick up their victim card, communicate your boundaries and good intent, and escalate to HR if needed.