I Am Not Here to Make Friends

• At some time during your career, you've likely heard a co-worker say, “I am not here to make friends! I am a professional, and I am here to do work."

  Studies show that negativity among co-workers decreases efficacy and effectiveness, which affects overall team and organizational performance and productivity. Negative workplace interactions may, however, arise when employees become less considerate and disrespectful to each other. Behaviors, such as aggressive language or continuous complaints about colleagues to leaders and peers, can make co-workers and leaders uneasy, unproductive, and stressed. 

  In today’s complex business environment, you have to build successful work relationships and interact with people in a positive way to achieve your personal and organizational goals. The L&D function is no different. 

  The first step in building better work relationships is to become aware of the differences among people, and be willing to accept these differences as a positive force within your workplace. Team members should be encouraged to reflect on the following questions: 

• Why is it so hard to work well with some people? 

• Why do some people find it difficult to work with you? 

• What can you do to significantly improve your working relationships? 

Recognizing Stress 

Stress is a normal physiological phenomenon. Learning leaders should be aware that some team members, without realizing it, can cause stress on other people. More importantly, stress can create more stress. Undue or unrelieved stress can occur in any person who overdoes the normal response to stress.  It can occur as a short term response, delayed response, or a prolonged response. 

Acute stress is the normal physiological “fight or flight” response.  In the face of stress, some people fight by becoming aggressive against the perceived source of the stress or an innocent bystander.  Some people take flight by avoiding the stressor, which can lead to avoiding innocent bystanders as well.  The effects will be present only when the person is exposed to a transient trigger.  

Transient means the trigger for the stress is limited in duration.  Once the trigger is taken care of, the stress subsides. The trigger could be hunger or interrupted sleep, a narrow miss of an accident, a project deadline, a training class taking you away from work, or a cold or headache. 

But what if the trigger is not transient? The trigger occurs, but the response to it is delayed and takes time to work out.  It is also called “post-traumatic stress disorder.”  It is caused by exceptionally stressful conditions in which the person feels helpless, such as natural calamities like hurricanes and tornadoes, being the victim of a violent crime, death of loved ones, or major changes within work environment (physically and strategically). 

Inevitably, people with delayed response also will experience short-term response. They have periods of sleeplessness, fatigue, loss of appetite, or emotional eating. One day, they seem “themselves.” The next day, they are irritable. And the day after that, they are angry or filled with tears. This is zig-zag behavior. 

What can you do when the stress trigger is persistent or repetitive? Stress will not allow the body and mind to return to normal. The trigger keeps the stress hormones at a higher level.  The persistent stressors could be any one of the following:

• workplace chaos, restructuring, or failures

• relationship failures that result in prolonged disputes, such as divorces, abuse, or unreasonable competition at work

• financial stress resulting in loss of income or financial well-being. 

• People with chronic stress will inevitably experience periods of short-term and delayed responses. The difference here is that under chronic stress, they may suffer physically and emotionally.  Chronic stress can threaten your mental and physical health.  

  Whatever the cause, the remedy is the same: recognize that stress is normal and that your reaction to the stress trigger can be controlled. By becoming aware of the differences among people, being willing to accept these differences as a positive force within an organization, and identifying stress’s triggers, L&D leaders can create learning solutions that will help their organizations create better work relationships by becoming a “conscious communicator.” 

  What to Do? 

  L&D professionals should feel empowered to create a soft skill training strategy that enables team members to work better and build constructive and beneficial work relationships—by learning how to analyze situations and consciously select and use productive behavioral strategies. There are several programs out there created to address behavioral differences, stress, and professional workplace relationship, such as DiSC, Myers Briggs, and so forth. 

  If you decide to design and develop your course content from scratch, include such learning objectives as:

• identify your own work styles and learn how they come across to your colleagues

• read the behavior of others so you will know the best ways to work with them

• make small adjustments that will dramatically increase the quality and productivity of working relationships

• find common ground with different people while retaining your individuality

• identify stress triggers and recognize that stress is normal and that your reaction to the stress trigger can be controlled. 

Upholding positive interpersonal relationships among colleagues and managers is the key to maintaining a successful work environment. Effective communication and interpersonal skills convey the polished professional image that you need. 

At the end of the day, if we hear from a co-worker that he is not there to make friends, we should be empowered to let them know that everyone at work is responsible for maintaining a friendly environment.   

How have you handled these types of negative situations in the workplace? Share your strategies in the Comments section.