Resolving Old Conflicts With Your New Manager

In my work at Crucial Learning, I often get questions on how to approach different crucial conversations. Recently I received the following from a woman I’ll call Natalie: “I have a new supervisor (recently promoted), and we have a difficult history. Previously she trained me, but her training was inadequate, she overloaded me with work, she demanded I complete assignments faster and faster, and she said I was making excuses if I couldn’t. Tomorrow, we have our first one-on-one and I’m worried. I want to address these behaviors right away should they show up, but I want to do so with dignity and I’m not sure how.”

To Natalie and any of you who may be in a similar situation, I suggest you have three options.

1. Do What You Did Before

While Natalie didn’t say it, I assume she never fully addressed these patterns with her colleague when she was her trainer. I infer that because Natalie is still holding these resentments and injustices. Had she fully addressed it and agreed on some accommodations, Natalie wouldn’t be feeling so much dread.

If Natalie does the same this time, she won’t start fresh, and her first transgression will resurface all the old unfinished business. Her emotional response will begin where she left off.

2. Wait for a Repeat

Option two is to address the problem, but not until the old pattern reemerges. The problem with this approach is that Natalie risks holding the wrong conversation.

There are three types of crucial conversations you occasionally need to have: Content, Pattern, and Relationship. Content conversations are about an issue that just occurred. Pattern conversations are about repeated instances of some concern. And Relationship conversations are about deeper concerns with trust, competence, or respect. For the sake of instruction, I’ll call Natalie’s concerns with her new supervisor pattern problems. It could be that you’d call it a relationship issue because you lost trust or felt disrespected, but for now, I won’t assume that.

A common mistake is to wait for new content concerns to happen when you already have a pattern conversation to hold. In other words, you already know you don’t like the way someone dealt with workload concerns. Now, if you say nothing when she first becomes your supervisor, but instead wait for her to do it again, the conversation will be a muddle between all the old grievances and the new situation.

It’s usually better to talk about pattern problems without the distraction of a recent incident. That’s why I recommend option 3.

3. Proactively Address Your Unfinished Business

Arrange for some 1:1 time with your new boss. Let her know that your goal is to have a wonderful and productive working relationship. For example, as Natalie and her supervisor begin their new dynamic, she could take responsibility for not addressing their unfinished business: “When we worked together before, there were some things that didn’t work well for me. I must guess it’s the same for you. I want to be a great employee for you, and I want to have a great experience doing it. Could we have a candid review of what worked and what didn’t for both of us so we could do better this time?”

Obviously, there are risks with this approach. But there are risks with not doing it as well. If you believe there’s a high likelihood that the future will resemble the past, it would be wise to consider a gracious chance to reset the relationship like this.