The skills that make up emotional intelligence are among the most popular leadership skills, according to the World Economic Forum’s 2023 Future of Jobs Report. Although EI has different interpretations, depending on the source, Daniel Goleman, the psychologist who brought the EI concept to the mainstream, identified four areas: self-awareness, social awareness, self-management, and relationship management.

While empathy technically falls under social awareness, it’s important enough to stand on its own as a development area. Research shows that empathic leaders are more effective at inspiring higher performance from their teams and retaining those performers. Empaths are also better coaches and decision makers.

Possessing a constellation of competencies is increasingly valuable in a world where technology handles mundane tasks but cannot match human interaction. Assess your own EI skills and tackle the areas that need improvement to become a better leader and an inspiration for others across the organization.

Seek external feedback

If you think you’re already self-aware, research says you may be fooling yourself. Organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich found that, while most people believe they’re self-aware, 85–90 percent of people at all levels are not. Success often reinforces individuals’ erroneous perception of their self-awareness level. And if you’re not self-aware, you can’t effectively demonstrate the other skills.

For those who don’t fall into the self-aware minority, search outside yourself, get feedback from various sources (such as colleagues, friends, and family), and commit to tough introspection. Critiques are hard to hear, but they’re a necessary part of assessing how others truly perceive your mindset and actions. Listening to others is the most accurate way to determine your self-awareness baseline.

Start with trusted colleagues who will give you frank feedback based on their observations. Ask for concrete examples.

• Tell me about a time when you believe my emotions negatively affected a team project. What behaviors caused that impact, and how could I have handled it more effectively?

• Describe some ways in which you have seen me demonstrate self-awareness in difficult situations. Were there any times when I did not display it? How did that affect the situation?

Next, widen your circle and tap into your direct reports and their teams. If they’re not comfortable being honest, build trust by sharing some tidbits of what you’ve heard from others. Don’t share enough to color their viewpoint, but establish a rapport and illustrate that you’re willing to hear constructive feedback.

Maximize team feedback by asking specific, goal-oriented questions.

• Tell me about a time when my emotional response had a negative effect on your work. How did I respond, and how can I respond better in the future?

• Rate your comfort level sharing concerns or having difficult conversations with me, and give me examples of how I can improve that score.

For colleagues in other departments or teams, whose observations may be more limited, have a broader discussion.

• How would you rate my approachability and openness to feedback? Please share why you chose that rating.

• Describe your perception of my self-awareness level. How does it affect cross-functional projects?

At first, individuals may be reluctant to speak freely, but they’ll likely feel more comfortable telling you what they expect for future, improved self-awareness standards rather than criticizing your past actions. Give participants time to consider their answers rather than putting them on the spot. You’ll receive higher quality feedback from thoughtful responses as opposed to hurried attempts.

If the conversations feel awkward, take that as a positive sign. It means that you’re discovering uncomfortable truths. Getting through the discomfort up front will reduce self-awareness lapses.

Set goals

Compile the comments and look for trends. Once you determine where to focus your journey, seek out those in your circle who have a highly developed sense of self-awareness. Because those people are rare birds, you may need to look outside your organization and consider examples from other parts of your life.

What do you admire most about them? How does their self-awareness manifest itself when interacting with others? What do you wish you could duplicate, and how would such actions improve your interactions on the job? How can you measure improvement as you implement new behaviors?

Plan for regular self-assessments as you work on your self-awareness, which are particularly important when you’re doing the work on your own, with no built-in checkpoints. If you have a trustworthy colleague, ask them for accountability and honest feedback on your progress. Let your team know your goals and solicit their feedback at regular intervals. Such dialogues benefit your improvement process and demonstrate your commitment to modeling openness, transparency, and trust.

Once your self-awareness is strong enough to know your biggest needs for self-development, start building out your EI skills.

Social awareness

Social awareness is the ability to read a room and adjust yourself accordingly. It’s an innate skill for some people, while others need practice to pick up on verbal and nonverbal cues. The popularity of remote work and reliance on videoconferencing and emails adds a challenge if you struggle with social awareness. Some neurodiverse individuals also find social cues difficult to interpret.

Knowing your audience often means the difference between a well-received message or one that falls flat. You gain or lose credibility as a leader, depending on how you present yourself and how others perceive you.

Three techniques enable you assess and adjust to those with whom you interact, whether it’s with a group or just one or two people.

Active listening, with a focus on asking questions. Be proactive with questions when you’re not sure you understood something or are unsure of the other person’s intent. Chances are, if you’re uncertain, other people in the meeting are too. Respectfully frame the question, tapping into active listening techniques. For example, “I thought I heard you say that you’ve found some issues in the latest training deployment that had negative impacts that upset some of the stakeholders. Is that correct, and can you give me some specifics?”

Questions are also helpful to support cultural sensitivity. It’s virtually impossible to know differences in communication styles for every culture or personal circumstance, but respectful queries enable you to probe and clarify.

Low-stakes practice. If you’re not comfortable speaking up and asking for clarification, practice in low-stakes situations. Start with individual conversations with people with whom you feel comfortable. Expand that to general conversations in meetings and then to more challenging conversations.

Visualization. US gymnast Simone Biles uses visualization to achieve success. She reviews her entire routine in her mind before each performance, and she credits visualization with helping her compete to the best of her abilities. If the practice works for an Olympic superstar, imagine the impact it could have on your interactions.

Self-management

Self-management refers to pasting on a poker face while you keep your emotions in check. It doesn’t mean stuffing your emotions down or refusing to feel them but instead choosing whether and how to express them in a particular situation. If you tend to let your emotions get the better of you, analyze that behavior and use it for positive change.

Ask yourself: “What could I have done better?” Self-awareness is a precursor to self-management because it equips you for continuous improvement. Everyone has experienced times when they’re not their best selves. Use such moments as development opportunities.

Just as you may debrief with your team after a project, have a personal debrief in which you ask yourself: “What could I have done better? How could I have stopped the escalation? How could I have been more effective?”

Practice alternate scenarios. Emotions are natural, and humans react to them with a mental muscle memory, repeating familiar patterns. For example, your impatience may manifest with an annoyed facial expression, fidgeting, and a silent air of annoyance. Anger may show prominently on your face, in your posture, and in a rising volume of your voice. The only way to cement new reactions in your mind is to consistently repeat them until they become your default.

Admit mistakes. Owning your foibles may feel like a vulnerability that gives others a negative impression. In reality, it shows maturity and professionalism. No one is perfect, and everyone respects honesty and a growth mindset. Demonstrate your humility by following up after a meeting where you experienced conflict. Take ownership of your contributions to the situation and share suggestions to avoid difficulties in the future.

Set yourself up for success with self-care. It’s difficult to self-regulate when you have depleted inner resources. Use self-care techniques such as journaling and mindfulness exercises as an outlet to reduce stress.

Relationship management

You probably know the importance of networking to advance your career, but supporting others is a big part of relationship management. It gives you a chance to practice EI skills and model them for others.

A Society for Human Resource Management survey pinpoints respectful treatment of employees at all levels as the number 1 factor in job satisfaction. The key is not just respect, which is a baseline; give the same level of respect to everyone in your organization, from the cleaning staff to the C-suite.

Support respectful relationships and avoid conflicts by building your communication and conflict resolution skills. In the event that a conflict develops despite your best efforts, know how to effectively handle it and avoid damaging relationships. Try the following relationship management strategies.

Find opportunities to support colleagues. Consider mentoring, formally or informally. If your company doesn’t have a mentorship program, research professional organizations and local business or community groups.

When you mentor someone, the process focuses on them, not you. Act as a support and guide them through exploring their goals, skills development, and career aspirations. Mentor-mentee dynamics build your relationship skills, social awareness, empathy, and active listening abilities.

Find opportunities to share your expertise. Do this in a way that breaks down the silos that companies usually propagate. Working for other people’s benefit builds social capital and spreads goodwill that pays off later in your relationships.

The constellation of EI skills is vast, so it’s normal to have some gaps. Unlike your intelligence quotient, which is mostly static, EI has more flexibility for improvement. You may not become a star in every facet of EI, but if you follow the tips in this article, you’ll add new shine to your managerial skills.

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