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Justin Hale is a speaker, training designer, and master trainer at VitalSmarts. He has been a lead engineer in designing training courses and facilitated classes and delivered keynote speeches on the skills and principles to 300+ clients and audiences around the world.

Justin Hale

Rare is the workplace where you don’t have one or more sensitive coworkers. The reasons for such sensitivity are endless, and some are even valid, but when such sensitivity is combined with emotional displays, they can especially be a challenge! Such reactions are one of the main reasons people don’t hold others accountable. As we discuss how to work with sensitive, emotional employees, there are two questions I want to address: Why do people get defensive? What can you do? When I teach or coach leaders, I find that many of them believe that employees get defensive because they simply don’t want to hear “the truth.” As far as the manager is concerned, the employee got caught in their mistake and their guilt is driving them to emotion. So, their response sometimes is to get tough and say unhelpful things like, “Let’s not get emotional, let’s keep this professional,” or “No need to get defensive, let’s stay on topic.” While it may be true sometimes that people get emotional because they feel guilty, our experience suggests something else. When people get defensive, it’s because they don’t trust your intent. They’re leery that you either don’t respect them or don’t respect what they care about (shared goals). When one or both are lacking, or the other person perceives a lack of respect, you see a spike in emotional responses. See, our brains are always scanning our external environment for threats. The moment we perceive a threat, our fight-or-flight response is triggered. We react. Defensiveness is the attempt to restore safety in response to a perceived threat. And some employees may have been shut down, mistreated, or disregarded by previous bosses, contributing to extra sensitivity that needs to be considered. So, what do you do about it? You need to make it clear to the other person that you DO respect them and care about their goals. This can’t be accomplished with trite phrases when you’re in a bind. You’ve got to truly care. The way you treat them outside of crucial moments may do more for your Crucial Conversations than how you respond during them. I love what the late Stephen Covey said. “You can’t talk your way out of something you’ve acted your way into.” If you don’t show respect for their time, their work, or their unique personality, no amount of flowery language will ease their defensiveness. I think you could have a conversation with this person to address this dynamic between the two of you. You might begin, “Hey Gabriel, I’ve noticed a pattern between us that I want to talk about. When I bring up a concern about a commitment you didn’t complete, you often raise your voice or start crying. I’d like us to be able to talk about things in a way that allows both of us to feel heard and find a solution. But I’m wondering if I’ve done something—or not done something—that’s provoking your response. How do you see it?” That may not be a perfect opening statement, so adapt it to work for you. But please see the principle in the details. Be honest about the issue. Don’t let them off the hook because they get emotional. Show them you care AND address the issue. Ask how you can show you care. Keep talking. 

Working With Sensitive, Emotional Employees

As a manager, how can you prepare to have a crucial conversation about someone’s performance, especially when that person feels they are doing brilliant work but you believe differently?

When an Employee Thinks They’re Awesome, but You Don’t

If you’re not communicating in a way that invites others into the conversation, the result may be tacit agreement in the moment, then later gossip, complaining, distrust, lack of engagement, and a host of other organizational illnesses that kil

Why Should I Cater to People Who Are Afraid to Speak Their Mind?

Try as you might, it seems you just don’t get along and you’d rather go to the dentist than be in a meeting with him. It’s a tough situation, but there are some possible solutions I’ve learned through the Crucial Conversations

Working With Someone You Just Can’t Stand

Here are some things you can do from the bestselling productivity book and course Getting Things Done to achieve this feeling yourself.

5 Tips to Better Balance Your Workload

There are three levels to consider when holding a Crucial Conversation: content, pattern, and relationship.

Why You’re Always Having the Same Conversations With the Same People

Usually, we find that beneath the surface of persistent problems lies a host of unresolved issues. If we’re not talking about the right issue or the root of the issue, the problem will remain unresolved and may even get worse.

How to Address Repeated Bad Behavior

To help teams and individuals stay focused, here are a few tips from Getting Things Done, a Crucial Learning course, which was recently updated with new videos, exercises, and skills to teach the principles found in the New York Times bestselling boo

Failure to Focus: Distractions Are Killing Our Ability to Focus at Work and at Home

Though you may want to change someone else, the best way to influence others is to focus on yourself. You can start with these tips.

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